


no end in sight

by brucevbanner



Category: Succession (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, tom going through it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:20:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29776065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brucevbanner/pseuds/brucevbanner
Summary: Tom deals with his lifelong repression.
Relationships: Greg Hirsch/Tom Wambsgans
Kudos: 16





	no end in sight

**Author's Note:**

> not entirely sure what this is but i love tom :)

The hours that follow Kendall’s bombshell announcement carry a whole new level of anxiety for Tom. He can’t seem to sit still and doesn’t have the capacity to even begin thinking about what the next couple of weeks hold for him – of course everything would begin falling apart at the same time – his marriage and his job. He hasn’t been able to contact Greg, hasn’t seen him since the night before (that _fucker_ ), and everyone’s been in and out of non-stop meetings.

He thinks he’s never felt more drained in his life. He could do with a long jog to clear his head – or on the other hand he could just collapse on his bed and try to forget about everything. Neither are a possibility right now.

He doesn’t see an end to any of this.

* * *

The second their flight lands back in New York, Shiv runs into a meeting with Logan and some board members and Tom is left alone with his thoughts, not entirely sure how to process everything that has happened in the last 48 hours.

He goes home and takes a long shower. He turns the the tap to scalding hot and lets the water pour over him, hoping it will rinse away all the shit he’s going through.

He feels guilty for wanting to call Greg, wanting to check in on him to see if he’s okay. He shouldn’t be fraternizing with the enemy, right?

But Greg doesn’t feel like the enemy. Greg feels… Greg feels like Tom’s only friend, his best friend, like the only person he could go to right now (if he wasn’t the cause of at least half of his problems). Despite screwing over the entire company Greg and his so-called principles are doing the right thing and Tom knows it – anyone with a shred of moral decency knows it. Shiv, Roman, and everyone else are just lying to themselves.

The water starts running cold, Tom turns off the tap, dries himself off and gets changed, finally convincing himself to give Greg a call. Tom repeatedly tells himself that he’s calling to scold Greg and not because he misses him and thinks he did the right thing. If Tom can convince himself then he can convince anyone.

He paces the room for a second before grabbing his phone and dialling Greg’s number.

Greg answers on the second ring, “Tom?”

“Hey, uh, Greg,” Tom replies tensely, a beat passes, “You little weasel, what the fuck man? Are you actively trying to get me thrown into prison?”

“N-no dude, like, I’m sorry but it had to be done, and I made sure none of the papers directly incriminated you. I was just trying to save our asses, and uh, God knows what would’ve happened to Kendall otherwise. I was just trying to help.” Greg says. Tom can hear how stressed he is, knows he was trying to do the right thing.

Tom sighs and runs a hand through his hair, “Greg, Greg, don’t worry I get it. Of course I do. Don’t freak out—”

“Are you sure Tom? I really didn’t have any intention of like, ruining anything for you.”

Tom takes a deep breath, wondering how the conversation went from scolding Greg to this.

“Yeah buddy, I know you did the right thing. My job was on the line either way, you might’ve just accelerated the process a little,” Tom laughs, surprising even himself at how genuine he sounds, “Hey, listen, what’re you doing in a bit? It would be good to see you after the hectic couple of days we’ve had.”

Greg laughs humourlessly, “Feel free to come over man, I’m just wallowing in bed feeling sorry for myself and avoiding the hundreds of texts I’m getting from everyone.”

Tom checks his wristwatch, “I’ll be there in an hour.”

* * *

Tom decides to walk to Greg’s apartment to clear his head. It’s getting dark out, and the city is slowly lighting up. This used to be Tom’s favourite time of day, the cool evening air and the bright city lights were reminiscent of when he’d first met Shiv; back before so much had gone so wrong. Before he’d started questioning Shiv’s love for him, and his own feelings towards her. Back before Greg had appeared in his life, seemingly out of nowhere, but somehow making the biggest impact anyone had had in a while.

Tom rarely thinks about it – it all makes him too fucking sad. His crumbling marriage, his uncertainty about what lies ahead, and… Greg. _Fucking Greg._ Tom never knows what to think when it comes to Greg, their friendship is an anchor, keeping Tom down to earth through everything. Without it he’d be floating in the unknown with nothing to help keep him on his own two feet.

Sometimes he longs for more – never too sure what that means for them, how that would even look, what it would feel like. Yet he longs.

Tom shakes his head as if physically banishing the thoughts. He can’t afford to think like that. He should be working to make things better with Shiv. Whatever stupid ideas he has about Greg need to fuck off. He’s not about to have an identity crisis in the midst of everything else he has going on – he’s already postponed that conversation with himself for about forty years, he can do it for a bit longer.

He quickly pops into the liquor store near Greg’s place and buys Greg’s favourite wine (God help him) and makes his way over to his apartment. The doorman lets him up, already expecting him.

He knocks on Greg’s door and the door immediately flings open. Greg looks dishevelled and just plain exhausted – Tom can’t blame him; he feels the same just manages to hide it better.

“Hey, come in!” says Greg. Despite his appearance Greg seems genuinely happy to see Tom which makes Tom smile back in return and thank him.

Tom walks in and looks around, the state of the place is as anyone would expect from the state of Greg. He’s not here to judge.

“It’s good to see you man.” Greg says almost nervously.

“Yeah, you too Greg.” Tom mumbles as he reaches out to give Greg a one-armed hug, the wine bottle in his other hand forgotten about. Greg, however, has a different idea, he engulfs Tom into a bear hug, wrapping his arms around Tom tightly. Tom breathes in the scent of Greg’s cologne and relaxes into the hug. It’s been a while since someone hugged Tom like this.

He’s missed it.

He’s missed Greg.

* * *

A while later he and Greg lay sprawled out on Greg’s couches, shitty pizza eaten, and expensive wine consumed. God help Greg if he ever complains about Tom not letting him choose what they eat, Tom swears he can feel the grease from the pizza still sitting in his stomach.

The conversation had slowly lulled and a comfortable silence filled the air, Tom can’t help but to keep glancing at Greg, he looks nice, his tie hanging loosely around his neck and his cheeks flushed from the wine and heat radiating from the fireplace. He can imagine living this kind of life with Greg – somewhere more remote of course. He’d cook them dinner, Greg would choose what to watch on TV, and they’d sit cuddled together like any other normal couple.

“I’m really glad you came man, I- um, really needed someone to talk to, to help get my mind off things,” Greg looks down at his fingers, “And this is going to sound ridiculous since I did kinda screw you over with the papers, but you’re like, the only person I have to talk to,” a beat passed, “I’m so glad you called,” Tom smiles softly and Greg continues now looking at him, “And honestly, I’ve been ready with those papers for a while now, but I couldn’t convince myself to come forward with them if that meant losing you.”

Tom doesn’t know what to say. He reaches out and places his hand on Greg’s, a gesture of acknowledgment. He hasn’t even processed half of what Greg has said if he’s being honest, but the one thing his mind is screaming at him is: _Greg is afraid of losing you_.

* * *

Tom lies in bed later that night, the other side of the bed cold. Shiv had texted him saying she wasn’t coming home, telling him not to wait up. No matter how distant she’d been recently, it still hurt every time, he couldn’t help but feel inadequate, like he wasn’t enough for Shiv or her family.

How could his mood change so drastically in a matter of hours? One minute he’s having the time of his life with Greg and the next he’s thinking about every single time he’s disappointed Shiv.

Tom checks the time on his phone, 1:27 AM - another sleepless night ahead. His mind wanders to his friends back home in Minnesota. All happily married, in normal, ordinary, boring marriages. White picket fence, three kids – living the so-called American Dream – Tom’s dream. So why not him? Where had he gone wrong? Why did he deserve to be lying alone, his wife God knows where, and his thoughts on his very male best friend?

He doesn’t understand, doesn’t think he ever will.

But even through the cluttered haze in his brain; through the feelings of worthlessness and desperation, the one thing that keeps him going is Greg’s confession. He can’t wrap his head around it. Gregory Hirsch afraid of losing _him_?

It’s as if Tom’s been waiting his whole life for someone to say that to him. But it doesn’t matter how happy it makes him, doesn’t matter that he’s been _needing_ someone to tell him that he’s wanted… he still doesn’t know what to do with it. He doesn’t know what to do with the fact that it’s _Greg_. His wife’s cousin… his best and only friend.

Tom’s spent his entire life hiding who he is – for the sake of his family, his job, and simply, himself. Before he’d met Greg, he had never spared a thought as to what could’ve been, how different his life would’ve been if he’d decided that he was okay with who he was… _who he is_. He’d spent a lot of the past year trying to figure out what his feelings for Greg were and wondering why their friendship was never quite enough for him, until one day it clicked and then, there was no going back. He knows now (but doesn’t quite accept) that his feelings for Greg are comparable to how he used to feel for Shiv – how he wishes he still felt for her. He’s always been alright dealing with that knowledge alone – knowing that it didn’t matter either way because he had Shiv, and Greg didn’t see him as anything other than a friend.

And then Greg told him he was afraid of losing him.

Now he doesn’t know what do with himself.

It’s as if someone has given him a present and he’s suddenly had it snatched it away with no explanation. He has everything he needs to be happy right in front of him, but he can’t let himself have it… because of his career? His parents? He’s no longer sure. He runs his hands over his face, taking a deep breath. Tom can’t rationalise it anymore. Doesn’t he deserve to be happy too?

God, he’s got to get his shit together. He’s tired of feeling sorry for himself.

* * *

Tom takes the next day off work, not able to stomach the idea of having to go in just to have his entire dignity ruined. Instead he goes on a long run to clear his head. He needs a clear head for what he’s psyching himself up to do. It’s a make-or-break situation for him – he tells Greg how he feels and finally musters up the courage to leave Shiv and either he loses a friend and spirals deeper into whatever hole he’s currently in, or… well, he can’t bear to think of the ‘or’ right now. He doesn’t want to get his hopes up.

He thinks either way regardless of what happens, he’ll be proud of himself. Something he hasn’t been in a long time. If Tom from even a year ago could see what he was about to do, he wouldn’t believe it – in no world had he ever imagined that he’d finally come around to accepting himself, and certainly not doing so because of Gregory Hirsch.

He ends up back at his place, takes a quick shower, and spends the next whole hour attempting to send a text to Greg asking if he’s free to talk. After a lengthy pep talk in the mirror he presses send.

He takes a deep breath and waits.

No more than 30 seconds later his phone dings.

Greg: Yeah, are you okay man? I can be there in half an hour.

Of course stupid, kind, caring Greg would worry about him. Tom flicks back a response.

Tom: Don’t worry, I’ll see you then.

Tom’s heart starts racing. _Jesus Christ._ What the _fuck_ was he about to do? Potentially ruin his life that’s what. He anxiously bites his lip and paces the room cleaning anything and everything just to have something to do. Just to make his brain shut up. His mind is cluttered, racing through every single different way this could go, he just wants to scream at it to shut up shut up _shut up_ to no avail.

He paces around the room for a while and obsessively checks his phone for any updates from Greg. God knows how much time actually passes before he hears a knock on his door. His heart drops, his goes mouth dry. It’s now or never isn’t it? He takes a quick look at himself in the bathroom mirror and runs out to open the door.

Tom plasters a wide smile on his face, “Greg, buddy! Come on in!”

Greg smiles back, “Hey Tom,” he walks in a takes a seat on a pristine white couch, “What’s up man? Are you like, okay?”

Tom laughs a single laugh that mostly sounds like an exhalation of breath rather than a laugh, “Yeah… yeah Greg I’m okay,” he takes a deep breath and sits down next to Greg, “Better than okay actually.”

Greg turns to look at him, “Yeah?” he says with a big smile on his face.

Tom nods, not entirely sure where to go from here. He scans the room looking for something to say to postpone the inevitable, “Would you like anything to drink? I know its barely past midday but it’s never too early for a beer, am I right?” he laughs dryly.

“Nah man, I’m good.” A moment passes, “Hey, uh, what was it you wanted to talk about?” Greg looks at him attentively as he musters up the courage to get out what he’s wanted to say for at least a year now.

Tom takes a deep breath, runs a hand through his hair, and turns to face Greg. “You know how–” he clears his throat and starts again, “You know how you said that you uh, didn’t risk using the papers earlier because you were afraid of losing me? Well I- I’ve been thinking about that a lot actually, and I wanted to say that I’m also afraid of losing you.” He rubs at his neck and looks past Greg, outside the windows at the sky, “I’m afraid of losing you because I think,” he huffs out a laugh, “Scratch that, I _know_ that I have feelings for you – have had them for a long time now. I’ve just never admitted them to myself let alone to anyone else.” He looks back at Greg, searching his eyes for anything that would confess his feelings.

“Are you- are you serious dude?” Greg replies, his words giving away no emotion.

Tom laughs a genuine laugh, “Of course. God, of course I am.”

Greg reaches out a shaky hand and takes Tom’s in his, he takes a shuddering breath, and finally, _finally_ , replies, “You have no idea how long I’ve waited to hear you say that.”

Greg hesitates for a moment but then without warning he reaches over and kisses Tom softly. Tom sighs and leans into the kiss, their hands still clasped, and his heart still racing. He thinks he’s been waiting his whole life for this. Not just to kiss Greg, but to finally kiss a man and be okay with it. To feel okay with himself. His mind finally clears.

When they break apart, Tom has a shy smile on his lips and Greg looks over the moon.

“I uh, don’t mean to ruin the mood or anything, but what about Shiv?” Greg says

Tom knows that he needs to leave Shiv, but he takes a moment to respond, thinking about how if he says it out loud somehow, it’ll be confirmed.

“I’m planning on leaving Shiv. For good. It took me a while, but I finally realised I couldn’t deal with any of it anymore – the fucking open marriage, feeling like I’m never enough for her… I can’t handle it. I want out from Waystar as well… I need a fresh start.” Greg nods in agreement and Tom knows he gets it, he continues, “And honestly I don’t think I would’ve realised any of this without you.” He trails off.

Greg gives Tom’s hand a reassuring squeeze and says, “You know I’ll uh, I’ll always be here for you Tom. No matter what.” He takes a deep breath, “Take as long as you need to figure shit out, I’ll still be here.”

And Tom does know that. He knows that without Greg he never would have come close to figuring himself out, to accepting himself, and to finally doing something about his feelings. He’d spent his whole life shutting himself down, dampening his every emotion in fear of what people would think and he never stopped even for a second to think about his own happiness. Until Greg.

Now though, Tom thinks maybe everything will be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to tweet at me i'm @brucevbanner on twitter and darrenrcriss on tumblr


End file.
